It's the holiday season again, and the Advocate Channel is taking a break from your regularly-scheduled politics to get into the Christmas spirit.
2023 didn't give us much to celebrate, and being bombarded by Christmas songs everywhere you go is an annoying reminder of that. So, let's unleash out rage on these more-than-deserving targets.
What you're not going to see on this list: Heavily-religious songs. Making fun of church music is like shooting fish in a barrel — we can do better than that. There's also not any Kelly Clarkson here. While not all of her recent holiday songs have been hits, she's one of the few artists who consistently tries to make new Christmas songs every year instead of just covering the old stuff. That alone, in my opinion, is respectable.
And if what we say about Christmas songs here upsets you, go ahead and read some real news. I'm sure it's way better.
Little Drummer Boy
I said there wouldn’t be many super religious songs on this list. I didn’t say there wouldn’t be any.
I hate this song. Forget the annoying melody and painfully slow beat — imagine you’re Mary. You’ve just given birth to THE lord and savior, in the middle of a barn. It’s painful, it's cold, it’s dirty, but it’s also holy.
You know what this moment needs? A 10-year-old beating an animal carcass in your ear.
Jingle Bell Rock
One of the most misleading titles out there. Jingle Bell Rock? There is nothing heavy about this song. This is just pop when pop still used real instruments.
¿Dónde Está Santa Claus?
If you’ve seen an Amazon commercial this year, you know why this is here. Of all the older Christmas songs you could’ve revived to sell products, this is certainly the one that guarantees I will never buy your products.
Reports indicate that music recorded before the digital age is at risk of disappearing if it is not preserved. In fact, countless original recordings from 100 or even 50 years ago have already tragically been lost.
Not this one. Think about that next time it interrupts your show.
Sleigh Ride
This is more of a personal bias than any of the others included. I played trumpet in middle school band growing up, and every year we had to play this accursed song.
Farmer Gray is not my friend. I am not going to his birthday party. He is not invited to mine. Neither is the percussion section, who could never clap the goddamn wood boards in time.
Anything by Pentatonix
A capella didn’t begin with Pitch Perfect, but it should’ve died with Pitch Perfect. Making a capella versions of Christmas songs is like multiplying a tornado by COVID — these are two things that just do not need to be together.
Here Comes Santa Claus
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Everyone and their mother has called this song creepy. But I’m going to take it a step further and call it fascist.
This song is brainwashing children to be OK with constant surveillance. Santa is watching everything you do, and if you do something bad, it means you’re going to Hell getting coal for Christmas. This is just emotional blackmail, and I get enough of that spending the holidays with my family.
Do They Know It’s Christmas?
There’s a specific type of person that songs like “We Are the World” and Lil Dicky’s “Earth” are meant to appeal to. I am not that person.
Originally penned to raise money for the 1983-1985 famine in Ethiopia, African activists have flamed this song for its paternalistic lyrics longer than I've been alive. I'm just going to let Bono's line "Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you" speak for itself.
Baby It's Cold Outside
1940s slang reveals that this song actually isn’t as creepy (isn’t as rapey) as it comes across today. But it still comes across really creepy today.
Even beyond that, this is a nightmare scenario for introverts. I already dragged myself out of the house to come to this social function. I promise I will make it worse for both of us if you keep me here.
Twelve Days of Christmas
Time is a gift that is given to few in this precious, fragile existence we call life. Listening to this song is the best way to watch that time slip away right in front of you.
Every time this song comes on, I can physically feel myself getting older. I can see the golden threads of time in front of me, weaving further and further away. The sand of the hourglass slips through my fingers as I whisper, "Come back." But my cries fall on deaf ears, carried away year after year by the putrid partridge as it returns to its decrepit pear tree.
Christmas Shoes
Because nothing says "Christmas cheer" like a young boy's dying mother. This is just the song-equivalent of a Sarah McLachlan animal shelter commercial.
"Do They Know It's Christmas?" at least calls for people to donate to a specific cause. "Christmas Shoes" just tries to guilt you into the holiday spirit.
Last Christmas
Yes, I'm salty about losing Whamageddon every year. But once you start participating in Whamageddon — seeing how long you can go into the Christmas season without hearing this song — you realize just how inescapable it really is.
People who blast this every December need to just take a year and be single. Figure yourselves out. This goes double for Taylor Swift, and anyone who has watched The Holiday more than once. And no, I will not disclose how many times I've watched The Holiday.
